Tomato Extremist

by Kent L Johnson

I met her at the Farmer's Market. She was at the organic farm booth squeezing a beet and bending the stalk. Pretty was an apt word to describe the blond with a pixie haircut and fair skin. Her derriere caught my eye and like an idiot, I couldn't help but stare. Her eyes glanced at me, then I averted my gaze and knew, right then and there, this could get difficult.

I pretended to make a big deal over these huge tomatoes in the next booth, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw her coming toward me. She scooted about a foot from me.

"Like what you see?" she said.

Fuck, what a loaded question. Is she talking about the tomatoes, or me? Is she a man hater, sneaking over here to clip my nut sack with a hidden stiletto?

"They're not bad I say." I pick up a tomato and show it to her. I look directly into her eyes. "It could be a little riper."

Her eyes were blue, and she's got these little thin eyebrows, like a towhead at age five. She's wearing a white tee with a MonsantNO printed in huge type across the chest.

"You should be shopping the booth next door," she told me. "They have natural, organic heirloom tomatoes that will beat these modern monstrosities all to hell."

She didn't sound pissed. "Can you show me?" I asked.

"Set the tomatoes down," she ordered as she grabbed my free hand and pulled me to the organic booth.

I looked down at her derriere again as she led me to the booth and I got caught looking once more when she turned suddenly to tell me something.

"You can't seem to keep your eyes off my ass."

"I can't help it," I told her, "It's much better looking than the tomatoes."

She grinned. "Just remember, you need to respect that there is more to me than my ass, or I--. My name is Katlyn." She offered her hand to me.

I shook her hand and it felt small in my own palm. "I'm Aaron."

"Nice to meet you," she said.

She explained heirloom tomatoes to me and pointed out the different varieties by name. I wound up buying more than I really needed but anything to keep the conversation going. It was a beautiful Saturday, and we walked down the street. I bought her lunch at a vegetarian restaurant. She had an organic salad with gluten free croutons and I had a cheese pizza.

Katlyn talked almost non-stop about health foods, the evils of pesticides, the veterinary hospital where she worked, and a whole bunch of environmental causes. She was so effervescent when she talked of these things.

I kept my eyes on her. She was great to look at. She had a little dimple in the cleft of her chin when she smiled. Great teeth and even though the MonsantNO print blocked a decent assessment, I could tell that was a rack worth seeing.

We left the restaurant and walked some more. A bluegrass band played on the sidewalk, under a canopy directly in front of holistic medicine and hydroponics store. We sat at an outdoor cafe next door, listened and drank craft ales. She pulled me to my feet unexpectedly and we danced in front of the bluegrass booth. She moved and swayed back and forth; her hips gyrated in time to the music. The mandolin player sped up the tempo and I was getting exhausted, but I kept it up. At the first hint the song was over, I grabbed her arm and led her back to the table for another ale.

"We've been together all afternoon so far," I told her, "and we haven't discussed relationship status at all. I'm single." I looked her in the eye as I raised a pint glass to my mouth.

"I'm single too," she said. "It's been a month and a half...since we broke up."

"It's been longer than that for me, maybe five months." I stared at her again and remained silent.

"I caught him doing something that I just can't abide by," she said. "I won't go into it, but that was it."

"So, maybe we can start seeing each other?" I asked.

"Sure," she said, "that's why I've been with you since we met. You have an aura that's purplish. I think that's a good thing. I want to get to know you better."

We left the cafe and continued down the street and entered a city park. We walked down a paved pathway in the direction of my garden apartment. A small zoo was in the center of the park. We entered.

"I can't stand that animals are cooped up like this," she said. "They all need to be set free."

"Maybe you can do that one of these days, Katlyn," I said.

"You're damn right. I'll sneak down here in the middle of the night and open the cages." She had fire in her eyes.

A buffalo grunted as we walked by his enclosure. Hay fell from his mouth. A tiger slept peacefully on his side, while peacocks strutted in the paths, stepping out of the way of people as they walked. We turned a corner to large cages with trees and ropes either hanging or shooting two stories up. The sound of monkey's shouting filled the air.

"Aren't they cute," Katlyn said.

"Yeah, I guess in their own way. They kind of stink though."

Two of the little primates began to make noise and point at us.

"Yeah. They do stink," she said.

The two monkeys then grabbed their phallus's in their little hands and were jerking as fast as they could.

"Sounds like he heard you," I quip to her. "Maybe we should take off."

"No," she tells me. "This is kind of erotic."

I felt her hand reach down and rub my butt. She stared intently at the little guys masturbating and never stopped her own hand.

"Let's go back to your place," she said after the monkeys finished.

I was thinking this was like a dream come true. Katlyn was gorgeous and I'd been fantasizing about her all day, yet I figured there was little chance of that since we just met.

I opened the door to my apartment and she found the bedroom in an instant. Not more than five minutes later we were locked together. I listened to her groan and I let out little passionate grunts. It was wonderful and round one was over too fast.

I lay back on the bed and caught my breath. I watched her bare backside leave the room toward the kitchen.

"Do you want a glass of water too," she yelled over her shoulder.

"Sure," I replied.

She was in the kitchen for a minute or two longer than I imagined it would take to get a couple glasses of water. Cupboard doors opening and closing echoed down the hallway.

I watched her pop back in the room and stared at her chest as it jiggled with her steps.

"You asshole," she screamed at me. "I should of known from the first time I laid eyes on you."

My eyes moved upward to see her face flushed and her eyes filled with sparks.


"I looked under your sink and you're supporting them, just like my last boyfriend."


She pulled on her underwear and pants quickly. I sat up on the bed and watched.

"What the fuck did I do?"

She pulled her shirt on and glanced around the room.

"You've got a bottle of RoundUp under your sink. Why don't you just go kill a baby seal, you bastard," she screamed.

"Wait," I stammered. I hurried out of the bedroom and followed her to the door. Her fingertips left the door edge and it closed with a slam. I watched the motionless door, silently, as the slamming sound faded into a memory.

Maybe if I stand in front of my window and masturbate like the monkey's she'll come back?

All was silent as I continued to stare. Maybe it's some kind of joke, she'll walk back in. Minutes passed. No joke, I guess. Well, she can cross purple auras off her list now.

I grabbed the bag of tomatoes I'd tossed on the couch and went to the kitchen, washed and sliced one. I put a piece in my mouth. Super sweet juice squirted on my palate as I bit down on the flesh, tomato-like but also like some wonderful fruit I'd never tasted before.

She may be nuts, but she knows her tomatoes.